Alive at 33

One of my favorite U2 songs is "Hold Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me. There is a line in that song that really describes my life up to this point. I turned 33 on Sunday. This has always kinda been a signficant age for me. Not sure why. I am sure in the back of my mind is the whole thing that Jesus died and rose from the dead at this age, at least according to church tradition.

Anyway, the lines from the song go like this:

"They want you to play Jesus/to go down on one knee/but they want their money back if you're alive at 33/you are turning tricks with your crucifix/you are a star"

Basically, its Bono reflecting on his bumpy relations with the church. Early in his career, Christians piled so many expectations on him and when he turned out to be a human sinner, a lot of them turned on him, saying he wasnt a Christian, etc. All that has changed recently, of course, but it was not five years ago I was defending his Christianity to many believers.

But, it isnt Bono's life that I reflect on when I hear these words. I think about my own. I am really sorry if this post seems pretentious or dramatic, but I have been thinking about this for awhile.

I have been a Christian most of my life. I have gone to Church, Christian schools, grew up in a Christian home. None of that I regret at all. But, what has me going is how many times I was told in that time I was a "Christian" leader. In high School, I was the guy who was given awards for Christian leadership, the teachers loved my "Christianity" and predicted I would do big things for God.

That wasn't bad either. People were just trying to build me up. But, I swallowed it all with a dose of poison.

That did not change when I got to seminary. I was told I had all of this promise, talent and ability. That was all nice, I guess, if I wasn't a sinner and totally turned all of those things into pride. And let that pride almost destroy me and my faith as I tried so hard to be a head pastor for five years, trying to live up to those expectations. Trying to be what everyone thought I should be instead of really listening to what God wanted and what He thought I should be.

I think I have suprised and disappointed a lot of people in "stepping back" to be an assistant pastor. But, I love my job. I have never been happier in my ministry. It's great to be second. It's great not having to live up to expectations. It's great just trying to follow Jesus, love the Gospel and help others do the same. It's all I ever really wanted to do.

I am alive at 33. I cannot die and save anyone. Nor can I raise them from the dead. There is only one Man who did that, I am not Him. I serve Him, badly, most of the time and totally reliant on His Grace. I am no longer turning tricks with my crucifix, giving off the illusion of a "holy" life. I am just an object of Grace now, as I have always been. And I hope to help others understand.